Breast vs formula milk - The struggle

Day 6 left me feeling quite beaten... over breastfeeding.

Countless times I have advised friends that if they can't breastfeed, not to stress over it, formula milk is just as good. I learnt the meaning of 'easier said than done' when it was my turn faced with a similar situation.

It never occurred to me that I would not have enough supply for Amanda as it came so easily with Wayne. In fact the opposite was the case with Wayne. On Day 4 I was already engorged with too much milk supply. And throughout the many months that I was breastfeeding him, supply was never an issue. I even managed to stock up litres in preparation for going back to work.

So when Day 5 came and I realized my milk supply had not kicked in, I started to stress. At times, Amanda would want to feed every hourly as she wasn't getting enough per feed. I was determined not to give her formula milk as I wanted her to be on total breast milk as Wayne had, as we believed breast milk was best for baby. I called the lactation consultants at Mount E, they seemed to think it was fine to wait till the next day before giving her formula. 

Meanwhile, stressed, I did all I could to stimulate my milk supply. I fed Amanda as and when she wanted to drink even it meant hourly. That left me feeling very drained from lack of rest. I drank countless bowls of papaya and fish soup. I took Fenugreek herbal supplements in the form of both tea and pills. I drank lots and lots of fluid. I even started to pump in the middle of the night to encourage the flow. That was after Amanda had latched on. On hindsight, that could have been a wrong move as I was not getting much rest and we know that rest is important for supply. I refused to give up. 

The final straw came (which I'm glad it did) when on Day 6, Amanda's urine had gotten very yellowish and there was even two specks of red dots on her diapers. I knew she was not drinking enough and I had no choice but to give her her first bottle of formula milk. It was such a hard decision at that time, which left me feeling totally down.

I was so exhausted from the frequent feeding and pumping. It was just not working and I just broke down crying. I felt so helpless. I wanted so badly to give Amanda the best there was and I couldn't. I couldn't understand where I had went wrong this time, why I could breastfeed Wayne and not Amanda. I felt extremely lousy about myself, for not being able to provide the 'best' to Amanda.

After a few crying sessions and talks with HK that day, I finally felt better and was able to accept the decision to formula feed little A. Thanks to my husband, truly the rock in my life.  HK encouraged me, comforted me and talked sense into me. He reminded me what was important in life. I had tried my best. I couldn't give Amanda total breast milk but what was this little setback compared to being blessed with our healthy new baby. I shouldn't let this take away the happiness I should be feeling and enjoying with my little new born. During this time when I felt down and helpless, I am reminded of the beautiful flowers & encouraging words he gave me just a few days ago.. I guess he knew this day would come and a simple gesture like that would help comfort and warm my heart, knowing that he thinks the world of me.

His 'counseling' must have worked 'cos once I had accepted the fact that there was nothing bad in supplementing with formula milk, I felt an immediate sense of relief and a huge burden lifted off my shoulders. In fact, I slept so well that night, I felt I haven't slept in ages. 

This doesn't mean I've given up on breastfeeding. I am still giving Amanda whatever little supply I have. I am still continuing all my 'desperate measures' to boost my supply, in the hope that I can increase her intake of breast milk and slowly cut down on formula milk. I still diligently wake up every 2 to 3 hourly in the middle of the night to express my milk.

Recollecting back the emotional roller coaster ride of feelings that I went through in those two days,  I understand why some say breastfeeding can be a stressful process. I guess I just kept harping on the fact that I wasn't giving Amanda what I thought was 'the best'. Its just me, as usual being such an idealist.  I'm glad its over and I'm thankful through it all, I had the best husband I could ask for.

Nuggets of A's Day Six of Life

Amanda's Arrival : 10 Day Special (Day Six)

Day Six was the peak of my breast-feeding woes, I'll cover that in my next post. Obviously was not in the mood for any photos that day so this will be a happy post about everything Amanda related!

#1 All about Amanda!!!

(a) Glorious hair!

Those who have seen Amanda never fail to comment on her crowning glory! She has lots and lots of hair! More than Wayne at birth. But still can't beat kor kor Gabriel!!! They are all short with a tinge of curl, and feels ultra soft, making it so nice to touch. Momma can't wait for your hair to grow long, Amanda!

(b) A's ears which I found quite round, rather than longish

(c) Tiny feet

Amanda's toes.. which somehow reminded me of Da-yi and Gabe! Haha..  Anyone agrees?? Or is it just me?

(d) Pediatrician

Sharing the same pediatrician as Wayne. Located at Paragon, we see ourselves spending lots of time at Paragon as my gynae is there, Wayne's school is there and now both kids pediatrician there too! Second home.

  

(e) Health booklet

Amanda's no name booklet as she hasn't gotten a 'complete' name and a birth registration number. Simply because we haven't registered her birth! And thats because we haven't decided on her Chinese name. We have 42 days to do this, and at Day 6 now, we have plenty of time still.

Footprint at birth

(f) Amanda and mommy's hospital tags to keep for memories

(g) Amanda's cot and bedding set

Finally, with a baby girl, mommy could deck Amanda's cot in pretty pink!!! This is like fulfilling mommy's girly desire.

Friends in her cot

Pressie from Auntie Yishan!
Music to accompany Amanda in her cot

Nuggets of A's Day Five of Life

Amanda's arrival : 10 Day Special (Day Five)

On Day 5 we struggle to find a routine.

#1 It was the first full day Amanda was home with us. While she was generally a darling, sleeping most of the time and not fussing much, she was woken up by her hunger. I was still breastfeeding her and my supply was inadequate. As a result, she woke up at times after just an hour of nap to want to nurse again. That made it very tiring for me. I felt like I was nursing her all the time!

My supply which had not kicked in was starting to stress me out badly. Called Mrs Yeo, the lactation consultant at Mount E, she said to just continue nursing on demand for another day. I did just that but by night time, we decided to give her teaspoons of formula milk. I will do a separate post on this ultra stressful process.

#2 Wayne went to see Dr Irene, his cough and running nose was getting worse. It turned out to be an infection. Wayne was given loads of medicine (again.....) and the really upsetting news was that Dr Irene advised Wayne to stay away from Amanda in case she caught the virus from him. So we decided to let Wayne stay over at nai nai's place for the next two nights. It broke my heart. I had already missed him lots from the previous nights when we were at the hospital. And just one night seeing him, I had to 'send' him away again.  I felt my stress level up one notch.

But it was for the better. He could get better rest at nai nai's and we couldn't risk letting Amanda fall sick at such a tender age, just a few days old.

#3 Nanny was here for the first full day too. And boy, did she irritate us. We took a while to adapt to her, a good few days actually. She added to the already high stress levels.

So generally Day 5 was a stressful day, with many changes that took time to adapt to. Countless times, I told myself to persevere and not give up breastfeeding. It all boiled down to my lack of supply. I must persevere!!! 

#4 First bath at home

.. by the nanny.  A was crying and screaming when her clothes were taken off.  Nanny said it was because she doesn't have enough milk to drink *sigh..* and kept asking me to give her formula milk *irritated* (though she may be right). 

 

Love her to bits, even her powerful shrieks. For now.

#5 Amanda-licious

Despite all these stress building up, the sight of our little newborn in our home brought immense joy to us.

    My all time favorite photo of A! A pity she didn't have her eyes open, otherwise this shot would have been perfect.

Nuggets of A's Day Four of Life

Amanda's arrival : 10 Day Special (Day Four)

#1 Day four was the day of discharge. The real test begins when we are back home, without the help of  all the nurses at hospital. 

#2 Dr Irene gives us the all clear for baby to be discharged. Her jaundice levels were within the safe limits.  

#3 Amanda gets ready for her trip home. The nurse comes to change her into her own set of clothes, cuts away the tags on her ankles, and passes us her health book and other documents. Daddy does the discharge for both baby and mommy, and we are all ready to head home.

 

Pretty in pink and white. This outfit meant for '1 month olds' fitted just nicely for A.

#5 Confinement nanny

The nanny arrives at our home and cooks us our first meal. We'll be seeing a lot of her the coming month. 

#6 Amanda-licious

To our sweet baby, welcome back to our home where our journey as four begins. 

You are beautiful

Nuggets of A's Day Three of Life

Amanda's arrival : 10 Day Special (Day Three)

#1 Phototherapy

As expected, A's jaundice had set in on Day 3. And that meant that she had to go for phototherapy the whole of Day 3. Except for feeding time, we hardly got to see her. As we were to be discharged the next day, Dr Irene wanted to be sure that her jaundice levels were brought down to low levels so that we didn't have to keep A back in hospital for another day. 

When I went into the nursery in the afternoon to have a look at A, she was under the light in just her diapers. She was also wearing an eye protector. She looked so vulnerable. And mommy's heart ached although I know phototherapy is very normal and doesn't cause her any discomfort. Just want her quickly well.

#2 Breastfeeding class

Although I'm a second time mommy, I attended the class this morning conducted by Ling, one of the lactation consultants at Mount E. Relieved to know I was doing it rightly in terms of latching. Amanda was the 'model' for the class as Ling showed all the mommies the various way to breastfeed. I learnt a new feeding style called the cross cradle, which somehow I never used with Wayne before. It felt quite comfortable, so I'm going to try this new style with Amanda this time round.

Just before the class

#3 Hello Uncle Terry!!!

Yes, Uncle Terry is back from Japan and he came to say hello to Amanda!! But unfortunately, he didn't even get to see her as she was in the nursery for phototherapy... what a pity. On hindsight, mommy should have requested the nurses to bring her out for just a short while. I didn't think of it then. Sorry Uncle Terry!! And thanks Uncle Terry and Da yi for the presents for Amanda!!! Love them.

We took some family photos with Uncle Terry, hope we will see you very soon with Da-yi and Gabe.

#4 I saw mei mei smile today!

#5 A's cot

Heard of this old wives tale of not setting up the cot before the baby is delivered? Well, we followed that... and surprise, the day before we were to be discharged, HK went home to set up the cot and realized that he was missing two parts. Not sure where it was cos its been a long time since we last used the cot! So it was a frantic rush to get a new cot from Ikea that night for the husband. 

#6 Its a girl!

Happy pink lolli courtesy of my uni friends.

#7 Flowers from the husband

One of the most beautiful flowers I've received... from this Japanese florist that puts together the prettiest flowers. Thanks dearie for everything, for believing in me and thinking the best of me.

Trust the husband to know what will make me smile

#8 Candlelight dinner

The night before our discharge was our candlelight dinner prepared by the hospital. Actually there wasn't a candle... just dinner in a nicer setting, complete with tablecloths, fruits and desserts. If it was meant to be a romantic dinner, it was not.... we had Wayne joining us for dinner and eating most of my food! Haha. Still, a nice touch by the hospital, I must say.

     Looks quite impressive for hospital food, right?

    Candlelight dinner for three

#9 Four the first time

#10 By Day 3, my hair is really gross. Had to tie it back as away from my face as possible. I'm glad I'm going home tomorrow. I am in need of a shower and a hair wash.

#11 Amanda took her Hep B and BCG jabs and also went for her hearing test. All went well. Left with  her jaundice and meta blood test tomorrow.

#12 Dr Irene told us Amanda's blood group is A+.. same as mommy & Wayne kor kor.

Nuggets of A's Day Two of Life

Amanda's arrival : 10 Day Special (Day Two)

#1 Removed all tubes - At 8am today, finally I was mobile! After being stuck to the bed the whole of yesterday, I'm glad to be about and walking! Epidural tube was removed last night at 8pm, and this morning the drips as well as urine bag were removed too. I could use the bathroom, brush my teeth, wash my face and freshen up. Felt so good! And with all tubes removed, it made nursing A easier, and I could go round snapping photos of her. Yay!

#2 Antibiotics - last shot

 #3 Wayne's sleeping arrangement

These three nights when we are at the hospital,  the arrangement for Wayne is to continue sleeping at Martin Place, with grandpa and grandma staying over with him. I was really worried he would make a fuss and cry for me in the middle of the night but our little boy did not! Well done, Wayne! Mommy and daddy are really proud of you!

Thanks grandma and grandpa for bravely taking up the challenge and putting up with the inconvenience.

#4 Exchange of pressies

One of the first things we did this morning was to let the kids (just Wayne actually) open the presents that they had 'bought' for each other, as part of helping Wayne accept the arrival of meimei. 

Its been a long time since Wayne spent the night away from mommy and I missed my little boy. We have been so preoccupied with meimei's arrival, I hardly spoke to him yesterday. So first thing I wanted to do was to surprise Wayne with his present which I was absolutely sure he would love!  

The exchange was ultra sweet. Wayne was grinning from ear to ear when he realized he had a present too. He thought that it was only him giving meimei a present. He happily posed for many photos and couldn't wait to open his present. When a nurse came in, he happily told the nurse "Meimei bought present for him'. He kept saying "I'm so happy..." and even kissed the side of meimei's cot.

 

    Sodor Search and Rescue Centre happiness

   Hello Kitty that Wayne chose for meimei

    This kept Wayne occupied and entertained throughout the long hospital stay

#5 Hospital food - Its really quite yummy, you know. Or perhaps after being on a soft diet and hardly eating anything yesterday, the food just tasted very delicious. My appetite was good!! Anyway, I did remember that the food was yummy even back during Wayne's time. We were served 5 meals a day - breakfast, lunch and dinner plus teatime and supper. 

#6 Amanda-licious

Carrying A for the first time, Wayne was excited

   Love this shot of Amanda looking at us with eyes open

#7 Visitors - Day two was spent almost entirely with visitors. Realised that we were so busy chatting with our family and friends who visited that we forgot to take any photos with them! We are so thankful for all our family and friends who came - thanks for the presents and more importantly, thanks for wanting to come to see us!! 

And to Yuwen, thanks for the 30 muffins from my favorite bakery!! *super touched*

#8 Thanks San-yi for the customized pressies - Wayne and Gabe has the bear and now so does Amanda!

#9 Nursing - Started the first night of interrupted sleeps.. still lots of stamina being the first night only! I was feeding Amanda in the wee mornings and the baby girl reality sank in. She looked so delicate and so sweet as she latched on. I just took in all her baby-ness.. watching and watching her. I wanted to wake daddy up for an emo moment  but decided against it as it was 5am (and daddy was snoring on the couch). I looked at that tiny sweet thing in my arms and my heart brimmed with pride and face glowed with joy. My baby girl.