Countless times I have advised friends that if they can't breastfeed, not to stress over it, formula milk is just as good. I learnt the meaning of 'easier said than done' when it was my turn faced with a similar situation.
It never occurred to me that I would not have enough supply for Amanda as it came so easily with Wayne. In fact the opposite was the case with Wayne. On Day 4 I was already engorged with too much milk supply. And throughout the many months that I was breastfeeding him, supply was never an issue. I even managed to stock up litres in preparation for going back to work.
So when Day 5 came and I realized my milk supply had not kicked in, I started to stress. At times, Amanda would want to feed every hourly as she wasn't getting enough per feed. I was determined not to give her formula milk as I wanted her to be on total breast milk as Wayne had, as we believed breast milk was best for baby. I called the lactation consultants at Mount E, they seemed to think it was fine to wait till the next day before giving her formula.
Meanwhile, stressed, I did all I could to stimulate my milk supply. I fed Amanda as and when she wanted to drink even it meant hourly. That left me feeling very drained from lack of rest. I drank countless bowls of papaya and fish soup. I took Fenugreek herbal supplements in the form of both tea and pills. I drank lots and lots of fluid. I even started to pump in the middle of the night to encourage the flow. That was after Amanda had latched on. On hindsight, that could have been a wrong move as I was not getting much rest and we know that rest is important for supply. I refused to give up.
The final straw came (which I'm glad it did) when on Day 6, Amanda's urine had gotten very yellowish and there was even two specks of red dots on her diapers. I knew she was not drinking enough and I had no choice but to give her her first bottle of formula milk. It was such a hard decision at that time, which left me feeling totally down.
I was so exhausted from the frequent feeding and pumping. It was just not working and I just broke down crying. I felt so helpless. I wanted so badly to give Amanda the best there was and I couldn't. I couldn't understand where I had went wrong this time, why I could breastfeed Wayne and not Amanda. I felt extremely lousy about myself, for not being able to provide the 'best' to Amanda.
After a few crying sessions and talks with HK that day, I finally felt better and was able to accept the decision to formula feed little A. Thanks to my husband, truly the rock in my life. HK encouraged me, comforted me and talked sense into me. He reminded me what was important in life. I had tried my best. I couldn't give Amanda total breast milk but what was this little setback compared to being blessed with our healthy new baby. I shouldn't let this take away the happiness I should be feeling and enjoying with my little new born. During this time when I felt down and helpless, I am reminded of the beautiful flowers & encouraging words he gave me just a few days ago.. I guess he knew this day would come and a simple gesture like that would help comfort and warm my heart, knowing that he thinks the world of me.
His 'counseling' must have worked 'cos once I had accepted the fact that there was nothing bad in supplementing with formula milk, I felt an immediate sense of relief and a huge burden lifted off my shoulders. In fact, I slept so well that night, I felt I haven't slept in ages.
This doesn't mean I've given up on breastfeeding. I am still giving Amanda whatever little supply I have. I am still continuing all my 'desperate measures' to boost my supply, in the hope that I can increase her intake of breast milk and slowly cut down on formula milk. I still diligently wake up every 2 to 3 hourly in the middle of the night to express my milk.
Recollecting back the emotional roller coaster ride of feelings that I went through in those two days, I understand why some say breastfeeding can be a stressful process. I guess I just kept harping on the fact that I wasn't giving Amanda what I thought was 'the best'. Its just me, as usual being such an idealist. I'm glad its over and I'm thankful through it all, I had the best husband I could ask for.
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