Reflections

As I approach the last few weeks of my pregnancy (and because I'm awake a lot more often in the middle of the night), I've been reflecting a lot on my journey with baby girl and thinking about how it would be like in just one and a half more months. 

Same.. yet so different. That's kind of how I feel. 

Same

It has just been slightly over 3 years since I was preggie with Wayne. And I still recall quite clearly that general constant 'high' feeling of happiness, the excitement as we prepared for Wayne's arrival. And now, for little baby girl. My body pretty much looks in the same pregnant state as when I was expecting Wayne (minus the bad back rashes I had with Wayne). That feeling of being pregnant, carrying this little baby bump, walking slightly uncomfortably with that weight on your back, does feel very much the same as well. And yes, similar to my first pregnancy, I still love my breads, cakes and all things sweet. 

...Yet so different

While I probably had one of the most symptom free first trimester pregnancy one could ever find when I was pregnant with Wayne (really! almost zero symptoms), it was a total different story with baby girl. The nauseousness, bloatedness, lack of appetite, bleeding and that general discomfort in the first 3 and a half months was so difficult to bear. Then came all the other 'worries' like my hypo-thyroid, cysts and tightening of the womb, for which I'm thankful are all in a sense minor. In comparison, with Wayne, the pregnancy was generally worry free. 

And I also realized with baby girl, my emo levels have shoot way up... to begin with,  I've always been the emo sort, but with the pregnancy, it probably has multiplied like a hundred times, especially sometime towards the end of the first trimester. For which the husband suffered the most.. with my constant "you don't love me anymore" and "you don't care for me as much" sobs, thinking back, I was quite rubbish (Sorry husband! =p).

But it was indeed a lot more emotional, a lot more stress, a lot more changes, a lot of self doubt. Where do I start? Or maybe to be fair, I do have a lot on more my plate to juggle now compared to three years back. As the husband would put it, I basically didn't have to do anything back then, except work. Now, I have a home to maintain and a little toddler to care for, which calls for a lot more effort and time on my part  - the laundry, the washing, the cooking, the driving.. to name a few. But in a sense I'm happy with this extra 'work'. I feel a tremendous sense of accomplishment being able to juggle work and my family. We don't lack help, with two sets of ultra supportive parents we have who are always so willing to help us out when we need it (thank you parents!! <3) but it's the perfectionist in me, I like to do things myself, I feel happy being able to achieve what I want to achieve. Sure I'm tired all the time at the end of the day, but the perfectionist in me is satisfied.  

And the future...

Which I know is probably going to be my downfall in the coming months, when baby girl is out. Because  I know apart from the perfectionist in me there is the idealist in me. Haha. Already, I'm imagining how I would spend my four months of maternity leave and most times I imagine it to be something like this:

Waking up in the morning, nursing little baby girl while preparing Wayne for school, loving goodbyes to the husband and son as they leave for work and school, dolling myself up (and yes, looking slim);  mornings and afternoons spent having walks by the river with baby girl, having my brunch there, playing with baby girl, catching up with friends/hitting the gym/dance classes,  blogging, sorting out Wayne and baby girl's photos and doing all the things I wanted to do but didn't have time to; evenings would be spent cooking for the family and nights, us four would enjoy family time together, with lots of laughter and fun. 

(Somehow I left out the waking up every two hourly at night to nurse & the sleep deprivation state I'll be in, the bathing, changing of diapers etc) 

And then I'll be jolted back to reality when I try to think rationally, when the devil starts to plant all these self doubt in me. I start to question if I will be able to juggle everything. Most times I am a bundle of contradiction.  One moment I feel weak and incapable, next moment I feel that the determination in me will bring me through what ever I want to achieve. I do recognize that this is precisely what will bring me down. Cos I set such high expectations and ideals of myself (and the husband) and in reality, it will never be as smooth sailing. 

In fact, with two young kids in tow, truth is I probably will end up looking like an auntie all day long at home. I would be sleep deprived from the two hourly feeds, have huge eye bags and dark eye rings and look flabby. The house will be in a mess, the two kids will take turns crying and waking up from their sleep, and there would be the bickering with the husband from all the stress at home. Long walks and relaxing brunches by the river with baby girl will in reality be replaced with me shoving some bread down my throat in between the chaos at home if I'm lucky. Time imagined catching up with friends, blogging, sorting photos etc, will probably be replaced with all the washing, laundry and vacuuming of the house the minute baby girl falls asleep.  

Haha, I'm laughing as I write these... seriously I don't know how bad it would be. It can't be that bad, right? 

Well, the point is..  I do know that it is this perfectionist and idealist in me that's going to take away the joy of spending time with my lovely two kids and husband. Therefore, I have to constantly remind myself to take it easy and that motherhood is all about the joy. I have to realize that it won't be perfect and smooth sailing. And  I have to realize that its okay to have some help, and that its fine when things are not going perfect. Only then will I be able to make the most of my maternity leave, getting to know baby girl, spending time as a family of four, happily. The way it should be. 

P/S: Someone please remind me when the time comes (Viv, it'll be you). I want to enjoy motherhood.