Short-lived joy

I wanted to title this blog entry "Joys of our second one"... But it was not meant to be. Our joy was short-lived. Today we found out that my pregnancy had to be put to an end, it was painful.

Baby was to be 8 weeks old this week. Exactly 2 months.

We found out about my pregnancy barely a week after conception on 27 July 2011. Thanks to maternal instincts I just knew I was pregnant. It was so early into the pregnancy that during our first visit to Dr Lee's on the 3 August 2011 we couldn't even see baby yet. Just 4 weeks old Dr Lee told us. Daddy was amazed how strong my woman's instincts were.

We had to wait till the 6th week on 16 August 2011, our second visit to Dr Lee's, before we saw our little one, heartbeat thumping so strongly in the scan images. While Dr Lee commented that my amniotic sac looked a little small and put me on bed rest for a week to rest, we did not think too much of it and thought I just needed a little bit more rest.

We knew things were not so rosy only on our 3rd visit on 22 August when baby was 7 weeks old. While baby was doing very well in terms of size and heartbeat, the amniotic sac was not. Though it should have been 7 weeks in size, it was just 4 weeks in size at best... Dr Lee told us it did not look too good but not to lose hope as perhaps in the 8th week when the placenta takes over it's functions, it may cause the sac to grow. However, he only gave us a 40% chance of that happening. I asked Dr Lee from his experience normally what this meant. Dr Lee told us plainly, it usually ended up in a miscarriage. I cried.

I was put on bed rest for another week.

Perhaps an act of defiance to what fate had in store for me, refusing to accept any possibility of something happening towards my baby, I got home that day, and ordered some maternity clothes on-line. Only to have it now shipped over, heart wrenched at now having them but not having a chance to wear them. Fate I guess was stronger than my self will.

What's so real throughout this whole period of time that no one but me understands is the maternal bonding.

Just as how in the first few days of conception when no one else knew I was pregnant, I knew something was different in me.

Just as how even before seeing Dr Lee today to hear it from him that baby's heartbeat had stopped, I already knew. Just last night, before going to bed, when HK asked me how I felt, I told him baby's gone. He told me not to say that, but I knew, and Dr Lee confirmed it today. In fact I knew it 2 days back already.

Just as how at this very moment, even as I have to say farewell to this little baby in me, while no one feels a connection with the baby, I do. No one will truly understand the pain.

People around me tell me that it's okay having to wash away the baby as it's only 8 weeks old. But knowing that little baby, your tiny arms, legs, hand and feet are starting to develop, that your eyes and ears have already formed, why does it not feel okay at all?

But what choice does mommy have? I wish you could have been with mommy & daddy, I wish you could have known your kor-kor Wayne, I wish I could have held & pretected you longer but yet it's best things turned out this way lest you suffered if you came into this world. Dr Lee did say this is nature's natural selection process and in any case the growth was abnormal to start with. You would not have been well even if you survived.

So with this, tomorrow 1 September, it will be a final farewell, and mommy knows I have to put an end to this chapter and move on no matter how painful.

I will. But I will also always remember you.

*I told daddy, you were a baby girl.* We'll never know, but perhaps... just like before, mommy knew.